dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
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