I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
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Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
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I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
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