So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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