saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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