does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
