so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Randomize
