I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I can't put those talents on a resume
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
