Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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