I puked a lego.
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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