Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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