New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
I need to sanitize my soul.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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