i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
