Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
