i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
