one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Randomize
