I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
