I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
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