i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
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