Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
