This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
