All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
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