Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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