Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
