Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Randomize
