And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
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Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
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I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
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