our cab driver is having phone sex.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
