this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
