I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Randomize
