My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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