Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
