Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Randomize