All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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