Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
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