Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
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