I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
Soap is not a condiment
He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
