Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
