Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
