So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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