We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
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