god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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