I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
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3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She needs sedatives and a leash
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
Randomize