I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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