Your dad touched me again.
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
