haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
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