Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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