im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
Why dose there have to be another girl there for you to do this?
its hotter. Way hotter.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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