1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
