is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
