I cannot find my penis.
I'm eating all of the evidence.
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
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