Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
