I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
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My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
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My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
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