Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Randomize
