i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
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