his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Randomize
