you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
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