What did we do last night that was yellow?
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
Randomize
